I got booted outta the FKC...

I don't think you understood my humour

 

There was a bit of saltiness coming from the BKA forums as well, which admittedly has been around for a long time. But the culture to me seemed like juggling first with an emphasis on kendama. Much less of the freestyle, video-centric vibes coming out of North America. Hence downspike.

 

Why I Stepped Down in the FKC: An Apology and Explanation of an Old Fart

TLDR first comment, but lease read this, it's my heart

Last year I had some issues created and compounded that extended into all of my life. I was suicidal and truly doubted my future. After a year starving, being too broke for my medication and foolishly thinking I could step away from my career and hustle some kendamas into the market, getting ripped off, being called every name under the sun by a group of players AND having my computer hacked twice at coincidentally bad times...I honestly didn't know who to trust and I reacted more than I am comfortable admitting but I'm admitting it...

Outside of the personal issues for me is the FKC where I always tried to separate my company from the work of adding people, maintaining a little order and dealing with bad deals. I loved that I could compartmentalize that art of my efforts in kendama as good, rewarding and positive and I loved it even when it was hard.

Over 2016 the rules were defined and I asked thr group if someone could maybe write them down. This hadn't happened all year so on Friday I thought it would be good to post them.

I felt it was prudent to update them and explicitly ask for a level of positivity and professionalism from corporate players and people signed and backed by large dama money. We have seen some salty attitudes and a lot of promoting about "The FKC is garbage, join 'community X'" and I watched dudes I had previously admired turn on me despite all of my best intentions.

Again....I didn't know who I could trust and this compounded by some mental health problems I've been working through I made a stupid fucking choice....

Over the last year or two occasionally a Pro Player would say or do something really rude or offensive and I would be the one to catch it. I would ask owners at their sponsor to maybe ask their guys to cool it....this was met with immediate hostility and push back.

Asking companies to maintain professionalism in the FKC and to promote the big rule changes that were to keep it positive, and if you promote in the community for external communities or for your dama sponsor, don't call the FKC garbage or be salty and don't trash talk other players or companies....keep it posi, PG 13 and welcoming for even the newest players and their parents...this has always been the goal and I thought everyone understood this....

Since lots of folks use the FKC to primarily promote for their sponsor and are compensated to do so that make up about 1% of the population COMPUNDED by the fact the rules would affect the explicit expectations of how these folks in particular are asked to behave....I removed a lot of people in companies primarily because the rules affected them and instead of targeting people I've reprimanded I grouped everyone associated with those money companies together and mass banned them expecting to add them back so "rules could be established BEFORE you joined" so we wouldn't have to explain or argue any more if we had to ask for professionalism from company owners and players.

I am of the belief and observation that most kendama companies have thrived and flourished in and BECAUSE of the FKC and it was my baby for a long time. I MUST admit that I felt personally slighted by the negativity over the last year and it depressed me to a point of being suicidal. I lashed out at friends and allowed paranoia to seep in....I was starving, broke and couldn't find work in Alberta....and this isn't an excuse for my behaviour.

I also didn't know who to trust amongst the admins and frankly, I let the pressure get to me and I didn't do much thinking, I reacted out of personal hurt and made choices to get rules up so admins didn't have to explain every single time someone got banned or a thing got deleted or we told a company owner their player was being a jerk. We had discussed this for weeks and as usual it came to me to do the work...or so I felt...and that was selfish as fuck of me as a person and as an admin...

I wasn't asked to do this and I feel like some admins were out to get me. I felt friends were out to get me. I felt isolated, screwed up and dejected and I reacted poorly.

In my own defense this isn't about CWCS or my shapes....but my mental state and some of the issues I'm experiencing come from that. I sell on average 12 kens a month, so there is literally ZERO chance of my being competitive at this point in the market. I got ripped off and conned by a guy around the same time some other serious shit happened in my life. I also had to sell th ose 12 hard to make rent and eat....and often hit the food bank to make ends meet...I was 154lbs at 6'2" just before I caught on fire...I wasn't healthy or okay....

My behavior has been the result of a perfect storm of issues that made me less rational and in ways I can't quite describe yet. Essentially my paranoias feel so real that even though I rationally know they are paranoias....they feel more real than life....

So, essentially I have PTSD and have for awhile. Between having my dream fall apart because I made poor choices in who I partnered with, feeling like my shapes were being sold to KenUSA, Kendama Co and RWB/GT, the constant harassment from people because I enforced rules....I just have had enough....

I needed to step down to tend to my problems. I love kendama, I love our community. I feel like the FKC has been a place for people more than big money companies and that changed when the little companies I used to defend by chasing money grubbers like Bahama Kendama and Momma Kendama out of the FKC. My role has always been to stand up for the little guy and that includes money put behind brands in our community.

This has changed because the little guys are not so little now. The scene got swept up in hype around some brands as to be expected and then it got nasty....and I am just not that mean or nasty a person....but I did get my feeling hurt and that's silly.

I hurt some people and made a fool of myself thinking I was doing the right thing when all I wanted was to be able to help kids in trouble, share my kendamas and artwork with people and delete shit posts that disrupted our group.

I'm saying sorry for what I did and how it looks. I am carrying forward with Kendama and still making toys. CWCS is now not entirely my own anymore and it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to step down anyways, the FKC has outgrown my skills and abilities as a leader and admin....I just want to jam kendama, make toys and laugh about dumb shit with my friends.

I am not quitting, CWCS is not shutting down, I am going to take the criticisms from people about my mental health and get some more help and get focused. I never wanted to feel this way about anything in my life and have always loved nearly everyone in our community....I just fucked up real good this time.

I sincerely hope this is met with open minds...and I'm soorry if you individually were hurt by my actions. You guys were right about some stuff and I am figuring it out now.

Thank you to Drew Sanger, Ryan Best, Logan Dair, Will Acb, Dallas Lanius and Jarod Porter for being real friends when I was falling the fuck apart. Thank you to Alexis Spencer Lee for being willing to talk to me even after I had been so rude, paranoid and hurtful to her because of my own insecurities. I let too much get personal and got stuck. Thank you to these fine people for helping me get my focus and move forward.

Everyone else, I'm sorry. You guys mean the world to me and I never wanted to be at odds with anyone...I just wanted to make toys, promote positivity and a clean online community that has shaped all of our lives and been the place the most established companies made their mark...and I always felt good being responsible for that little slice when my life didn't feel so good...you guys didn't deserve my reactions or my salt.

Thanks all.


Holy hell

 

My personal favorite:

"...backed by large dama money"

I hope Curtis gets the help he needs and gets healthy. Clearly a dose of reality might be in order.

 

It seems his picture of things really devolved into an 'us vs them' situation, which is unfortunate. The core companies often work closely with one another to help each other grow the scene.

I hope Curtis is alright, I told him to give me a call if he wanted by haven't heard from him. Sounds like he's battling some demons